Saturday, May 1, 2010

Will It Float?

(Originally posted on my LiveJournal in May 2007.) 

Nike has a mission. A calling. A game? It is called, "Will it float?"

She is determined to test the properties of numerous substances throughout their lifetimes. Because she is, well, a dog, for the most part she has concentrated her studies to the properties of dog toys. For the purposes of her studies, she has classified bones--bovine and cervidae--as toys. In her exhaustive studies, she has found a remarkable amount of substances that do NOT float.

Using materials at hand, she obtains a sample substance and goes to the largest nearby body of water, in this case... the pool. Standing crouched at the edge, she places the substance down. She then watches it intently, carefully studying the item and, as best I can determine, meditating on the most likely results of her testing. She then, most carefully, nudges the item into the water. WILL IT FLOAT?

Energized by this exciting experimentation, she runs along the edge of the pool, looking diligently for signs of any possible floating tendencies. For items with neutral buoyancy, the answer is not so easily determined. For example, the Mutt PuckTM, although advertised as floating, is more neutrally buoyant. It tends to ride just submerged, rising and falling at the whim of the "current"--such as it is.

Other items, to her great dismay, merely sink. Quickly. Without hope of recovery.

Nike is a genius. Somehow, much against my will, I have been drafted into her science experiments. This week alone, I have served as her laboratory assistant, recovering from the bottom of the testing medium the following: 1 Mutt Puck, 2 bones, 2 nylabone frisbees, 1 rubber/latex frisbee, the bottom half of an Extreme Kong, a Kong treat ball (Stuff-a-Ball), a  Cool Kong floating toy on a rope (doesn't float so well, sadly, once the foam core has been removed--yet another example of how thorough a scientist Nike is, and what a genius to discover the falsehood of this advertising claim), a Kong Dental, and 2 lacrosse balls.

Nike is mad. You know how one definition of madness is repeating the same action again and again, hoping for a different result? Yes. That is Nike. She is compelled to make absolutely sure that her previous test results were accurate. I can say with great earnestness, although perhaps not stringent scientific honesty, that that Extreme Kong does not float--and it will not ever float. But Nike refuses to believe.

I have taken to hiding things from her. I'm just hoping she doesn't start going for the pool furniture.

That's my dog--the mad genius scientist, Nike.

(Update: I have now also had to remove several items of pool furniture from the pool. Nike claims she had nothing to do with this turn of events.)

1 comment:

pool furniture said...

If that's your problem, I suggest you get a plastic or synthetic furniture to be beside the pool. That way, even if Nike drowns it, it wouldn't be damaged.